"Matters of scripture and letters are better left in the hands of the learned scions of the Church, wouldn't you agree? Giving common Peasants the gift of reading and reason is both beyond their scope and their place in the natural order of things."
-Bishop Rackley
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The local Newspaper of record is the famous publication known as THE BRAVEHOLD BEHOLDER, with readers far and wide across the Realm. This informative collection of Regional stories thrills and delights its subscribers with each fresh printing. Some of the most recent events that deserve special interest are reprinted below.
(From Volume I)
LONGCOBBLE ROAD CONSTRUCTION RESUMES
Dwarven construction workers resumed the daunting task of clearing a path for the miraculous Super-Highway that will connect our fair Kingdom to the rest of the continent earlier today. Longcobble Road will certainly open up a floodgate of trade and tourism revenue for Bravehold. Recently, the troubled construction was halted due to the appearance of (according to eye witnesses) a BAT-PIG that had harassed and menaced the work crews for the previous week. Sources indicate that the ravenous beast was found slain in the depths of Snagglewood Forest, clearing the way forth for construction to resume. Dwarven laborers on the scene celebrated with a hearty meal of pork chops and bacon.
LOVE IS IN THINE AIR
The blessed union of the noble Sir Chadworth and Goblin Princess Kruzette shall be held in a mere week’s time! The Kingdom is buzzing and mirth and ale will be most copious. The Lord and Lady of Owls invites all to attend! The daring and handsome Knight (Swoon) earned the...uh...fair lady’s hand in marriage after single handedly besting the nefarious Dragon Rufonax in an arm-wrestling contest. What a feat of strength! After besting his scaly foe, the noble Knight hurled the Dragon into an active volcano, ridding yet another terror from the world forever. Sir Chadworth could not be reached for comment.
ARCANUNDRUM MOTHERLODE DISCOVERED IN HEATHEN ISLES
Dwarven adventurers searching the distant Heathen Isles have reported finding a massive vein of Arcanundrum ore, the likes of which have never been seen in all of creation. Diplomats from the Dwarven capital city of Cragopolis were immediately dispatched to make peace with the primitive locals, and a fast friendship was formed. It’s only a matter of time before the Dwarven empire’s coffers overflow with all that magical goodness, making the industrious Dwarves a new financial powerhouse amid the great Kingdoms of creation.
A PRINCE COMES OF AGE
Happy birthday to Prince Morzic Faldain, who reached his 18th summer earlier this week. The future of our valiant Kingdom is looking prosperous and bright, as the Royal Heir will surely be a steadfast and noble successor to the throne. We here at the Bravehold Beholder wish only the best for the young Prince, and take this time to publicly declare our ever-boundless fealty and support to the rule of the Faldain family*.
*The staff of the Bravehold Beholder was in no way threatened, intimidated, or coerced into printing this delightfully heartfelt message.
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(From Volume II)
THE BANSHEE’S BEAU BACK TO LIFE?
Recent reports from Rotten Hills have made the fantastical claim that famed musical composer Starkford Lemonberry has been sighted and is hard at work completing his unfinished masterpiece alongside his now-Banshee Bride, Opal. Brilliant music accompanied by hauntingly beautiful song have been reportedly emanating from the old Lemonberry House (along with other, less wholesome noises), adding just a bit of pretty to the normally dour surroundings. In related news, Zoologists in the Rotten Hills have recorded record low Stumpgut sightings for some reason, and fear that these curious creatures may be close to being classified as an endangered species. We’ll keep you posted.
HARM ON THE FARM
Tragedy was narrowly averted when local resident Ordil Tallwheat was bucked from his plow horse and knocked unconscious earlier this week. Luckily, one of the Tallwheat farmhands was in the vicinity and was able to drag the unconscious Farmer to a nearby Cleric of Valtus for care. Farmer Tallwheat famously suffers from a most curious allergy to all forms of magical aid (which, strangely enough, includes potions), and so, he was nursed back to health the old fasion way—with plenty of rest and soup. Our story has a happy ending, however, as Ordil is back on his farm and is feeling healthy as a hor—I mean, good as new.
A ROYAL RESIGNATION
The King’s Court was stunned earlier this week when Lepherro, the Royal Announcer and resident Castle Snob suddenly resigned his position. No longer will guests to Bravehold be announced by the golden tones of this most talented orator. When reached for comment, King Faldain remarked, “While the Crown is shocked and saddened by Leopold’s sudden departure, we wish him the very best in his future endeavors. Of all the Royal Announcers I have heard this week, Lestervo was, without question, one of my very favorites.”
IN VALTUS’ NAME
We at the Bravehold Beholder are pleased to report that the esteemed Bishop Leydius Rackley has been promoted to the vaunted rank of Archbishop after performing the hallowed Rite of Purity. As any of the faithful are aware, this rigorous rite entails a would-be Archbishop to stand on one foot while praying devoutly for three days in a row, all while forsaking any food and drink. After this period, if the Bishop’s heart is truly pure and they have followed the teachings of Valtus to the letter (and not mingled with any pesky dark forces), a glittering Angel will emerge from the sky and pat the Bishop on the back three times, cementing their place among the Archbishopric of the Church. No less than 5 of his fellow Bishops eye-witnessed Brother Leydius get his holy back-patting. When interviewed after the miraculous encounter, the wise Archbishop parabled, “Leydius 3:16 says, ‘I just blessed this Mass.’” We among the Laity salute you, Archbishop!
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